A Welcome Embrace
by QuestionablyInsane
Summary: "The darkness within was remerging, wrapping itself like vines around her heart with just the faintest of squeezes." With nothing left to loose and nothing to play for, Regina welcomes the re-awakening of the Evil Queen. Post S3 finale.


_'I'm scared that I'm not myself right now…'_

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><p>And just like that, it was over. Everything had changed and things would never go back to the way there were. <p>

Her fists were clenched so tight that she felt a nail break the skin. It didn't hurt. In this moment nothing could hurt as much as the scene she'd just witnessed. She could feel the gazes upon her from those in the know; half-wary, as if expecting an angry outburst, and half-pitiful. It was the latter that she couldn't handle. As she tried to gather her thoughts and walk out with her dignity in tact she caught sight of the pity on Emma and Snow's faces and it sparked a hatred she thought she'd long put to rest. The intensity of the anger shocked her and must have translated to her face as Emma immediately went to put a hand on her shoulder. Instinctively she flinched out of reach, "Regina…" the blonde mumbled but the former queen was quicker, "Just, don't." Her tone was curt and crystal clear, leaving no room for misinterpretation of the fact that she just wanted to be left alone. 

Noting that the happy reunion had ended, that conversations were re-starting and gazes were falling over their little group she blurted out a rushed goodbye and left, head held high, careful not to even let the door slam behind her. It was bland and undramatic because why should she give those irritating townspeople another reason to try and stick their noses into her life. 

She didn't know where she was walking or how long it had been but there was a definite new chill to the air and she feebly pulled her jacket tighter around her shoulders. She was lost in thought; and she wasn't. Her mind was spinning yet she felt trapped in one place. Every thought was a muddled confusion and yet the outcome was crystal clear. She'd lost. _Again_. In a game she didn't even know she was playing. 

The scene in the diner rolled around and around in her head, over and over again until she pressed a hand to her temple; as if willing to stop the constant replay but her efforts were futile. She simply didn't have the energy, or the magic, to modify her memory any more. She was cursed to relive the exact moment her heart broke again; just like she had all those years ago. Now history had repeated herself and she wasn't quite sure how to react this time. 

The sharp clack of her heels broke the silence of the night as she strode blindly towards her house, towards her only sanctuary. All her inner pain, all her turmoil that she'd boxed up and buried for so long now began to bubble up. It was clawing at her, using her own weakness for its advantage and she simply didn't have the energy to fight it right now. What was the point anyway? No matter what she did or how much she tried to change, everything always came crashing down around her. She'd been foolish to allow herself to get so caught up again; to allow herself to believe in the possibility of her happy ending. She'd precariously re-built her life around this man; around this possibility that she'd finally met someone who could make her happy. Who could give her exactly what she'd always been lacking. Love. Family. A purpose. To tether her to the side of good rather than allowing her to float back to her dark side. And then, as easy as can be, the saviour bought it all crashing down around her. A falling house of cards. Fluttering down around her ears, light and carefree whilst her world shattered. 

Mechanically, almost without thought, Regina entered her cold house and resiliently locked the doors behind her. She was definitely not in the mood for visitors tonight; especially not those with a hero complex looking to rid themselves of their own guilt. Abandoning her jacket, barely even noticing when it slipped off the peg and landed in her a puddle on the floor, she entered her kitchen. Her favourite room. Her sanctuary. 

_Like mother like daughter_ she scoffed, pouring rich red wine into a glass and inhaling the bitter, tangy notes of the fruit and spices. Everything with Snow White, with her mother, with Daniel, had finally been put to rest. She was over it, had come to accept Snow's pleas of innocence and reluctantly accepted a truce. But this. This was making it very hard for her to keep her promise; her promise to Henry that she would try for the side of good no matter what happened. 

The air in her kitchen suddenly felt smothering and she pushed open the French doors, relishing in the instant chill that threaded through her silk blouse. She sunk into a wrought-iron garden chair, fist clenched around the glass of wine, framed against the backdrop of her dark mansion. A house that would never be a home; would never be filled with the family that she so deeply craved. A family she'd had a glimpse of before it had been cruelly taken from her. She couldn't even bring herself to sip the wine, its sweet bitterness called out a familiar melody to her, urging her to take a sip. To feel the relief wash over her as the crimson trickled past her lips. But no. She didn't want to numb her pain. She needed to feel it. Needed it to remind her that she was still alive. That even in this hell-hole they hadn't quite taken away every part of her yet. Try as hard as they might. 

Regina sighed, inhaling the crisp cold air so sharply that her eyes watered. There was no coming back from this. She'd killed his wife, albeit under her evil persona, and only by some God-given miracle was the woman even alive in this town. To expect forgiveness would be ludicrous. To expect him to leave his wife and son, his perfect little family, would be even more ridiculous. What man would pass up on the perfect nuclear family for a relationship with her? The evil queen, the monster with secrets and baggage and the blood of a thousand nobodies on her hands. She couldn't offer him what Marian could, what his son could. She could be a feeble replacement at best and what man wants that when he can have the real thing. 

The wine felt cool and welcoming as it passed her lips, warming her empty stomach and adding fire to her pain. She thought of all the men in her life; Daniel, Jefferson, Hook, Rumple, whether romantic or not they'd all bought her pain one way or another. Through death or betrayal, manipulation or outright hatred; she was yet to find a man who only brought her happiness. 

She remembered being back in the Enchanted Forest and how she'd never regretted not going in to meet Robin when she had the chance. Although it had seemed like like the best idea ever when Tinkerbelle had suggested it, actually stepping through the tavern door had required more strength then she could muster. Glancing through that dusty window she hadn't seen a soul mate, or her true love, she hadn't seen a happy future for herself laid out for the taking. She'd just seen another person who could reject her. Hurt her. Burrow beneath her guards and take up a place in her heart, before being cruelly snatched away. Regina had known too much hurt in her short life, and this was the first time she'd taken it upon herself to change that. Of course, he may not have rejected her. He might have loved her, treasured her and made her happy in ways she could never feel trapped in the palace. But the risk had been too much. She couldn't open herself up, just to have the last pure piece of her heart broken. 

She let out a short, harsh laugh and gulped at the wine; how ironic that she'd avoided him in one realm to prevent her heartache and yet he'd managed to achieve it in another, decades later. Especially given how much she'd changed in the years between; she'd seen him in her innocent, naïve youth, he saw her on the other side of her darkness. Yet he claimed he didn't see the evil queen when he looked at her; he claimed to see the real her, as if they'd actually had a chance to meet all those many moons ago. That claim would be long gone; now that he knew she'd killed his beloved wife and half-orphaned his son. 

As the unseasonably cold wind brushed through the dark trees she could only focus on how utterly stupid she'd been. Her lack of remorse or regret in the past had never surprised her; she'd been raised in such a way to fear showing emotions that proved she had a weakness. She'd been warned numerous times to separate her heart from her head; not to let anyone worm their way in deep enough to threaten her self-control. And now here was, alone in the cold, wondering whether if she bled it would match the wine in her glass or be as a black as they made her heart out to be. 

She'd tried, she really had. These past two years had been trying to say the least; but she'd thought she was finally in a good enough place. Yes, her son loved another woman more than he did her, but at least he could tolerate being around her now. Her thoughts were no longer filled with resentment towards the Charming's and the perfect family they had but which she deserved. She'd thought she might even be on her way to making amends with the people she'd made suffer in the Enchanted Forest. 

But with each sip of wine her hold on these positives slackened. Had she been so blinded by desperation that she'd missed the obvious? The loose arms of Henry's hugs which perhaps had felt more of a standard routine for him than a genuine gesture? The dark looks at her retreating back from those who would always consider her a villain? Each sip opened her eyes to the possibility that she'd clung so deeply to her belief that she was a changing person that she couldn't see that it wasn't really true. They say a leopard never changes its spots; was she simply a villain playing make-believe that she could be good? Regina's already fragile heart trembled with the thoughts that invaded and plagued her mind. 

Tonight had been eye-opening in the most brutal way; she'd lost another thing that she'd loved, because she didn't deserve it. She wasn't going to make that mistake again. From now on she'd remember the pain that love had caused her; next time she had even the smallest romantic inkling towards another person she would sternly block it. Nothing, not even true love, would be worth putting herself through this for the third time. Not just that, she was pretty sure that she'd crack the next time since she was barely holding herself together now. No; her mother had once told her that the only person you could truly depend upon in this world was yourself. For the first time in an age, Regina realised that perhaps her mother had imparted some good advice after all. 

As she felt the familiar darkness wrap its vines around her battered heart, she didn't try to resist. Instead she moved her gaze past her apple-tree, bathed in moonlight, and looked up at the stars, welcoming the darkness back into her heart like an old friend.

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><p><em>'But I'm scared that I am'<em>

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><p><strong>AN: J<strong>ust a quick drabble that poured out of me in about an hour and which I didn't really bother editing/getting beta-d etc. I just needed to get all my Regina feels out before the new season starts! Kinda a one-shot but might develop into more depending on tonight's episode. Please feel free to review!


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